Its kind of a funny story…

you know that really funny thing that happens, (no, I don’t mean that video on Facebook) im referring to  that time you were accidentally admitted into a psychiatric unit; (not what you were thinking huh, me either). The hysterical laughter of which plagued the corridors, will taunt me until my very last breath, and that’s without the traumatized shrieking and repetitive rocking.

Okay so I can see how trying to take your own life can be perceived as, well maybe a little crazy and hey, even slightly disillusion. Not that anyone will ever believe me but I wasn’t insane for my actions that night (I promise) I was just growing a little tired of life’s bullshit (but I guess we have all been there).

I understand (sort of) that I had to remain with the doctors in white coats, especially after being asked if I regretted my actions, and well me being me, spontaneously but alas truthfully coming out with, “only that I diddnt go with the rope”. But believe me when I say (yes thats right trust the crazy person) I did NOT belong in that place, and I remain certain a year later; that my stay in the secured unit, caused me sever psychological damage (I came out in a worse state then when I had gone in).

one of my viewers suggested being more positive, so looking at the plus side, I did have several very attractive (I’m talking solid 9’s) doctors of which I wouldn’t have minded examining me!

It was only when I was hospitalized, that I realized, I was actually ill, despite taking a cocktail of pills washed down by a bottle of yagar (now you understand the dread of waking up, not only the reality of my actions to face up to but also the killer hangover). I never really believed I was ill. You see my disorder had been lying dormant for years, but it was only once I received a diagnosis I began to accept that there was something wrong with me.

I still don’t think I will ever come to a full acceptance (im stubborn like that) but with a few beautiful people I’m slowly getting there. There are two people in my life who got me through some really dark abysses, who made me see I can do things, (turns out I just needed a bit of hand holding, reassurance and self belief). I will refer to them as M and A.

A gave me hope, he built me back up and returned my wavering self confidence, (every time I would tear it down, he would build it back up again and again) he was also one of the first people to ensure he was always there, no matter what the situation (or how stupid) I was being. Although I think me and M see the world through very different perspectives, I can honestly say (although I don’t think he’d believe me) that im not sure I would be here writing this blog without either of them and for that I am eternally grateful.

living with a mental illness, or in fact life as a more generalized concept is difficult but I really do believe we mend each other, cliche as this sounds (I know) people fixed my broken pieces and put me back together (bit by bit, it took a long time!). I feel very lucky and privileged to have both M and B in my life.

having a mental illness is hard, but talking about it shouldn’t be! the only way to get rid of a social stigma is to refuse to conform. I’m not proud of having Bipolar, but im proud of how I deal with the curve balls it throws in my life, and I never have been nor ever will be ashamed of it.

4 thoughts on “Its kind of a funny story…

  1. It’s nice to hear from someone who’s actually been there! We all struggle sometimes and it’s hard to accept our past and current circumstances. I know I struggle still with acceptance. Good for you for persevering. It’s these kinds of stories we need out there to spread awareness and get rid of the mental illness stigma.

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  2. I agree with you about being institutionalised. my doc wanted to book me in last year and I refused. Like you say, I knew it would actually be a traumatic experience which is pretty counter productive! I am so glad you have A and M, a good support structure is absolutely necessary, maybe you can get them to read up about Bipolar and they can get an even better understanding of it, maybe send them a few articles off the net? Looking at your life as tiny little pieces that need to slowly but surely be put back together one by one is a good analogy, just remember to use good quality glue (therapy, meds, support structure, positive thinking, positive outlook on life) rather than the cheap stuff which will only work for a little while (booze, drugs, sleeping around, self harm, negative inner dialogue, negative thinking). I’m glad you did not succeed in your suicide attempt. You belong right here. I’m rooting for you girl x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh yes the demons of the psyche ward. I know what you meant when you felt you didn’t belong there. Like the dog in lady and the tramp being in the pound. (Not referring to ANY patient as a dog, as I’m sure we all feel a bit like that). But on the plus side, they’ve come a long way from Victorian lunatic asylums 🙂 loving your humour xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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