the secrets of a Bipolar

Fear is one of the most horrific, powerful emotions ever invested within a human being. It strips us of the limitations we place upon ourselves, because everything we want is out of our comfort zones, and sometimes we need that fear to push us.

Without the fear of failing, I wouldn’t of got were I am today, fear is positive in this regard, however panic is were it all disintegrates and unravels. Am I scared about moving the entire life I have created over the past 18 years to a different city, and starting university? absolutely (I mean the thought of having to do my own washing strikes fear into me like nothing else), but this is me embracing that fear.

They say the best way to deal with fear, is to put a face on it and confront it. So that’s what I am attempting to do through this blog; you see I am not the typical student, I’m not scared of the social hierarchy (or who’s the best person to hang out with). Because the truth remains that even after all these years and getting here, there’s still a minute section of me which is terrified of failing and letting those around me down. But I think in reality if we are all being honest that section lives deep down within all of us, revealing our deepest seated insecurities (even those who appear super confident have them), no one wants to admit or be told that they are not good enough.

I am aware and have a competent understanding that in reality, I am probably not going to impact this world I walk on in a huge or overly significant way (there goes my seven year old dream of becoming prime minster). There are just over seven billion people that walk this world alongside me, but I do still believe what we do is important. After all we impact each others life significantly with friends or lovers, and no one can deny how special that is. For example A made a huge significant impact on my life, and restored the chance of me having a future, he made me laugh when I didn’t even want to smile and trust me on this; everything that we do is still important. Okay so yeah, you know what we probably aren’t going to be the next ghandi or Nelson Mandela and restore or initiate civil and world peace but that doesn’t make us any less important on this planet. Our lives are what we make of it, and im going to ensure that I am the hero of my own story, the lead actor so to say.

“If we were rain, she would be a hurricane and I would be drizzle” admittedly I am certainly not a preacher of fate, but there are ways things seem to fall together in life, through the people we meet, things we do. But for me it is the people we meet that really change our fate, in a sad way A will always be the hero of my story, because when he first found me I was just a damp squandering drizzle, yet he gave me the strength to turn into a hurricane. The ironic thing about this metaphor is hurricanes are strong, a force of nature and sometimes even dangerous. It’s not to say that A made me perfect (I don’t think I would have wanted him to do that) I still make mistakes and get things wrong but as life goes on I am gradually beginning to realize that that’s okay, cliche as it sounds it is how we learn (I mean after my 18th I will never mix tequila and whiskey together).

Another metaphor M gave to me was that some people are like supernovas (if you dont know what one of these are google it), they shine brightly and intensely light up the whole sky, yet there hermatia is that hey die rapidly, because of being so bright they burn themselves out. This metaphor, extended as it is I know translates beautiful to suicide, I think in August I had just burnt myself out from trying to shine so brightly. But, I do believe that some supernovas continue on for a long time shining just as bright, take M for example; he has had his fair share of life experience but he still burns bright, not in some aspects of his life but within himself and with his compassion and understanding.

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