On my last blog I spoke a little about the truth, well sometimes the truth can be difficult, it can be hard to take ( we have all had one experience, I mean come on my outfit wasn’t really that bad was it?), and sometimes just to painful to admit. The truth is for what I perceive myself as a relatively honest and open person and yet there are sections of my life of which I am ashamed to say that I have been neither honest or open about, I mean come on we’v all done the whole conceal don’t feel thing. The truth is even thinking about writing this blog has left me a quivering mess, despite completing two A levels in English, the reason being this is a subject and topic people receive in a variety of different ways! basically I’m a suicidal head case ( please dont run away!)
It is fair to say that those who know me would call me a perfectionist … yes I’m sorry I am one of those! who obsesses about every minuscule detail, bitches when despite getting the A* they dropped one mark and has what can only be describes as an weird need for structure and stability in their life. well what I categorized as personality traits or, at worst a very ‘individual’ and ‘unique’ character actually developed into something much more sinister last year.
Any one else who strives and pushes themselves to reach there aspirations will understand this through experience, something of which I have only recently discovered …. there’s pushing yourself then there is destroying yourself, turns out I am unable to at times differentiate. My goal was simple enough, to be perfect academically, faultless.
Well this is what led me to a fun filled hospital bed on the night of August 16th 2014 after taking an overdose on a concoction of pills ( I must say even my doctor was finding it hard to hide his impressed face). If you have never been in that dark abyss then I guess your probably thinking what pushes someone to that stage of crazy? on AS results day I wasn’t perfect, although my results were by no means bad (ABB) they were evidently not what I wanted ( cue the end of the word)…. they were not perfect or three A’s, I had failed. The real bitter truth of the matter is that mental health is important, if you broke your ankle would you then try and run a marathon? if you just answered yes to this your an idiot, firstly for answering a rhetorical questions and I think you can guess the second.
The lexical choice of ‘marathon’ is perfect for only what I can describe the mammoth journey I undertook this year. I got the A2 grades I wanted (AABB). I would be telling a lie if I said that I wasn’t a little dissapointed on results day,but i got into my first choice university and am off to study history, plus we all need those annoying geeks which we not so secretly hate on results day!
I wont patronize people who are going through what I was by saying ‘it gets better’, just like I don’t think I am cured, there are bad days where it gets dismal and I go back to being a definite head case (and cue the bottle of wine … or the liter of vodka) I wish I had succeeded, the difference being there are also good days, really good days where your stomach is hurting so much from laughing that you almost forget you were ever empty. So firstly I want to list what I have learnt from the experience if that’s what you would call it.
1. it is only recently I am beginning to realize perfection is impossible, because it is peoples imperfections which in fact and somewhat ironically make them perfect, its what makes them human.
2. you HAVE to let people in!!! even when your an emotional mess feeling vulnerable and insecure because people mend each other. Without the help of a very kind history teacher and amazing deputy head of year who never gave up but most importantly was always there I don’t think I would have got through. Also someone whose life experiences although different from my own, defiantly change my perceptions of the world around me.
3. communicate and that does not mean you have to go and see a quack or a head doctor, but when you say it out load and you put a face on your fears it makes it much easier to face.
The last and final section of this blog is perhaps one of the most fundamentally important where I get a little but … yes thats right … serious. The truth is people are cruel and ignorant towards what they don’t understand, and there is still, even within today’s society still a huge stigma attached to mental health. If you know someone who is going through depression, bipolar or self-harm (these are the only things through personal experience I know enough to talk about) then my top advice is just be there for them because that’s all you can do; sometimes all we need is a bit of hand holding and reassurance and someone to tell us that we’r doing okay. You can not make them better only the individual themselves can do that, its important to recognize this. Secondly don’t blame them for there mental illness, because it is just that an illness. You wouldn’t blame someone with a physical illness would you? its a chemical imbalance in the brain and can often be frustrating for the person suffering who is loosing part of their identity, what most people don’t realize is things like depression strip you of everything your energy, morals believes.
They also don’t realize it can strike anybody at any time, a few years ago I read an article in a magazine about a young girl who was cutting herself with razor blades, at the time I was disgusted and horrified, and I just could not fathom how somebody could do that to there own body, until two years later, it was me with the bloody razor, shaking and crying in the bathroom. Because that’s what the reality of mental illness is, it destroys the person you once were, I hated myself so much I truly believed that suicide was the only way out, and that left me literally tearing my own skin and flesh open trying to get away from myself.
So just think before you speak, mental illness is not funny. Its not a joke. It takes lives, there were others who were not lucky like me and did not get to be saved or weren’t presented with a second chance. So think before you speak; people you meet everyday are fighting battles you know nothing about.