You had me at ‘ciao’

I have such a distinct hatred for being vulnerable, he’s the exception though, I yearn for him- all of you – your sweet scent, your warmth and your closeness. My head is a catastrophic mess currently with so many erratic thoughts ricocheting around the deepest of my insides with such a heated intensity that words escape me.

I find it most ironic I would like to classify it as irony, but the honest truth is this –  it disgusts me with such a raw passion. After you have been that intimate and shared everything, not only refined to the physicality you shared with them but all your thoughts, fears and dreams. When you relinquished and recoiled from me it felt abstract and uncertain – to not be around them.

The most satisfying thing he gave to me was his trust and in an ultimate sense himself, for he did not care about the scars and cuts that littered my arm, it just contributed to what it meant, to what being close and accepted to him meant.

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smile because you made it, your still here

Living with Bipolar is excruciatingly painful, but its crucial to remember that you are not your illness. Although at times it can feel utterly consuming, as though you are isolated and imprisoned within your own mind your not what the voices dictate you to be. life is a series of choices we consecutively make that cause a chain of consequential reactions, I am not saying we are our choices because I don’t feel that’s fair. Its human error and inevitable to have moments were reason is abolished by irrationality, but happiness is an abstract noun – a concept and emotion not a state of mind, the more people accept that its okay to not be walking around ecstatic perhaps the more truthful their happiness would be.

“Happiness is the small things” there is defiantly a partial truth within this theory, for me happiness is more subconscious; for example, when your stomach hurts so intensely because you’ve been laughing so much with a close friend or reading a bed time story to your nephew and realizing how lucky you actually are. Yes I have bipolar, yes its shit and I spend a disproportionate time contemplating launching myself in front of a train or walking across A line roofs with my eyes closed but that’s only a part of me and im beginning to accept that, although its going to take a lot more time, I feel im finally getting there, and that’s a start for I may not be there yet, but I am closer than I was yesterday.

lie to me

Tell a lie

fake a smile

“you seem sad?”

push denial

“I’m alright”

choose your weapon

carve a line

tie the knot

pull the string

self destruction

such a beautiful thing

What a juxtoposition I know!

Stephan Chobosky once wrote “I am both happy and sad and wandering how that can be”. Well recently as you can probably tell from my varied blog posts, I have been up and down more than a well used Yo Yo, but you know what, that’s okay. In my opinion you have to look at happiness as a journey and not a destination, the world would be a pretty weird (or even weirder) place if everyone was always happy.

As weird as this sounds, and I don’t know about you, but on occasions I even don’t mind tearing up; I think there is a stage were so much “stuff”  (in other words bullshit) happening, the only logical option is for you just let the tears cleanse it all away.

I spent today doing nothing overly exciting just shopping for university when I had an epiphany, that you have to look at were you started, and compare it to were you are now; and hey, you know what, you might not quite be there. But as long as you keep on going and believe you can get there you will (trust me if I can, anyone can).

Five years ago, I was a pretty messed up kid who just got everything a little bit wrong (and I don’t mean the wrong hairstyle), I was that one who, went for the older guys, partook in activity such as drugs when I shouldn’t have, exclusions, you name any teenage drama and I’m sure we can tick it off, (It is fair to say I had more issues than vogue). Now im going to the university of my dreams, I got good A level results, and am on the right track, admittedly I am not quite there yet, but I have come such a long way. Without reflection on it, we rarely think of our lives in this analytical way, but its something I can only recommend indulging in.

The sad aspect is only small, it’s not really sadness either more of a niggling insecurity and anxiousness surrounding leaving everything I know behind and starting over, but I think everybody would find that a little bit daunting and overwhelming. And at some point you have to accept that we are who we are for a lot of reasons, some we might never know.